My husband I thank Thee!!

Well, it's official! Giving my husband power over my exercise schedule is paying off! I have lost 3 pnds in the week since I told him to tell me when to go exercise. I guess he was all the motivation I needed! Thank you my love!
I have always admired determination in people to improve themselves, but never had enough of it myself. However, this week I have enjoyed the workouts. I have more energy and am happier. And it has only been a week!!!  I can't wait to see how the results go after a month!

Goals

Well, it is week 2 and things are getting a bit better. I have left my cardio schedule in the hands of my husband, who promises I will be cursing him before too long. I appreciated the feedback on my last entry. I love swimming and miss it SO much! If only I didn't feel so self-concious in a bathing suit. I won't even wear one in my back yard with my kids.
SO...
I have made this my goal! I want to swim again!! I think if I can get half way to my ultimate goal weight I can feel good enough in a suit to go to the pool.  My husband says I need ot make some short term goals, so here goes.....
WEIGHT GOALS
Goal number 1: Weigh in at  240lbs by September 10th
Goal number 2: Weigh in at  215lbs by November 5th
Goal number 3:  Be under 200lbs by December 31st

ACTIVITY GOALS
Goal number 1: Do 6 33minute eliptical work outs a week
Goal number 2: Do 100 crunches a day
Goal number 3: Go for a 1 hour walk outside 3 times a week

DIET GOALS
Goal number 1: stay within my calories each day!
Goal number 2: Drink 2-4L water everyday
Goal number 3: Don't eat after 7pm
OK. Now that that is done, let's get started!!

Motivation? Drive? Disipline?

10 days in a row. I have logged into myfitnesspal.com  for 10 days in a row...and haven't lost any weight! In that 10 days, I have been under my calories 7 times (not consistant) and I have exercised 2 times (pathetic).  I seem to get sick every time I get in a groove. But maybe that is just an excuse not to exercise.  I just don't get it! I have spend so many years hating the way I look and feel. So, why can't I stay motivated! I have so much to be healthy for! I have 3 wonderful kids! A great husband! All the tools for success are available to me at every minute of every day! There is no excuse!  So why?
I am worried that part of me has accepted how I am and is sabatoging that part of me that wants so much better.  I am not an over eater. I am not a lazy person. So why can't I exercise? I got this way because of being sick. Now my health isn't an issue. A cold shouldn't stop me right? So why is it? I used to go to work with pnuemonia for crying out loud! Because I knew I just had to!
I have to exercise! My life depends on it....and yet I can't. I feel so good when I do, but then I get one day of feeling yucky, and it turns into several days. I've tried different kinds of exercise thinking it is just boredom. No dice. I shouldn't need any more motivation then my family.....but maybe I do need that extra something to push me over that edge.
Ok...enough self-reflecting for today. I feel a little better now that I have put my thoughts on paper (so to speak). Gotta love the digital diary :)

Time to Self Reflect

I think it is time for my next big decision.  The anit-depressants. I don't want to be on them forever, but am nervous to go off them entirely. I tried for a few weeks, but things started getting bad again. The exercise has made me so much more positve, but I am not sure if I am there yet.
I read another blog this morning about self-reflecting.  I try this, but find I am stuck on who I WAS instead of who I am no. SO much has changed in the past 6 years that I am not even sure who I am anymore. I can't see where my family ends and I begin. When asked to describe myself, I can tell you what I do at home. I am a mother. The single most important thing I have EVER been! And proud of it. But what else am I? I USED to be a musician. I used to be a social person. I used to be I used to be I used to be.... Self-reflecting has caused an identity crisis.  I have lost the joy inthe things I used to be and do. My sheet music has a layer of dust on it. The idea of going out in public makes my stomach hurt.
I think all of my issues have a lot ot do with my weight. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, let alone getting dressed up and going out anywhere. I am excited by the progress I am making, although small, it is a start. But part of me thinks that losing weight means buying new clothes. Which I used to love, and now dread. It will get better though, right? I mean shopping for clothes can't be all that bad once I lose the weight. I have plenty of "this will fit me again eventually" clothes in my closet to get me through without having to go shopping for a while yet. I mean I still have 129lbs to go, so I think I can get to the new year before I have ot shop. That is as long as my husband doesn't make me go to any Christmas parties or social events. I kinda live in yoga type pants and basic tees.
I had a friend tell me that I need to make my clothes more grown up. I wear a lot of Disney tees. I have always worn these, even before I got sick and gained all the weight. But now I guess I wear them because they are big, comfy and don't show the rolls, while still being fun. At first I was hurt by her comment, but now I know she was just trying to get me out of my home-body shell. Which I am so not ready for yet. 
I have lost so many good friends over the years. I am afraid to lose the few I have left. People get tired of inviting you to places, only to listen to my excuses time and time again. Even my husband doesn't bother asking anymore. He'll get an invite to go to the movies with a friend and their date, but knows I'll say no. I wonder if not knowing who I am is the same as not wanting to know what I could be.
Ok, my brain hurts now. I must go get the kids breakfast. THAT I know how to do :)