I think it is time for my next big decision. The anit-depressants. I don't want to be on them forever, but am nervous to go off them entirely. I tried for a few weeks, but things started getting bad again. The exercise has made me so much more positve, but I am not sure if I am there yet.
I read another blog this morning about self-reflecting. I try this, but find I am stuck on who I WAS instead of who I am no. SO much has changed in the past 6 years that I am not even sure who I am anymore. I can't see where my family ends and I begin. When asked to describe myself, I can tell you what I do at home. I am a mother. The single most important thing I have EVER been! And proud of it. But what else am I? I USED to be a musician. I used to be a social person. I used to be I used to be I used to be.... Self-reflecting has caused an identity crisis. I have lost the joy inthe things I used to be and do. My sheet music has a layer of dust on it. The idea of going out in public makes my stomach hurt.
I think all of my issues have a lot ot do with my weight. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, let alone getting dressed up and going out anywhere. I am excited by the progress I am making, although small, it is a start. But part of me thinks that losing weight means buying new clothes. Which I used to love, and now dread. It will get better though, right? I mean shopping for clothes can't be all that bad once I lose the weight. I have plenty of "this will fit me again eventually" clothes in my closet to get me through without having to go shopping for a while yet. I mean I still have 129lbs to go, so I think I can get to the new year before I have ot shop. That is as long as my husband doesn't make me go to any Christmas parties or social events. I kinda live in yoga type pants and basic tees.
I had a friend tell me that I need to make my clothes more grown up. I wear a lot of Disney tees. I have always worn these, even before I got sick and gained all the weight. But now I guess I wear them because they are big, comfy and don't show the rolls, while still being fun. At first I was hurt by her comment, but now I know she was just trying to get me out of my home-body shell. Which I am so not ready for yet.
I have lost so many good friends over the years. I am afraid to lose the few I have left. People get tired of inviting you to places, only to listen to my excuses time and time again. Even my husband doesn't bother asking anymore. He'll get an invite to go to the movies with a friend and their date, but knows I'll say no. I wonder if not knowing who I am is the same as not wanting to know what I could be.
Ok, my brain hurts now. I must go get the kids breakfast. THAT I know how to do :)
I read another blog this morning about self-reflecting. I try this, but find I am stuck on who I WAS instead of who I am no. SO much has changed in the past 6 years that I am not even sure who I am anymore. I can't see where my family ends and I begin. When asked to describe myself, I can tell you what I do at home. I am a mother. The single most important thing I have EVER been! And proud of it. But what else am I? I USED to be a musician. I used to be a social person. I used to be I used to be I used to be.... Self-reflecting has caused an identity crisis. I have lost the joy inthe things I used to be and do. My sheet music has a layer of dust on it. The idea of going out in public makes my stomach hurt.
I think all of my issues have a lot ot do with my weight. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, let alone getting dressed up and going out anywhere. I am excited by the progress I am making, although small, it is a start. But part of me thinks that losing weight means buying new clothes. Which I used to love, and now dread. It will get better though, right? I mean shopping for clothes can't be all that bad once I lose the weight. I have plenty of "this will fit me again eventually" clothes in my closet to get me through without having to go shopping for a while yet. I mean I still have 129lbs to go, so I think I can get to the new year before I have ot shop. That is as long as my husband doesn't make me go to any Christmas parties or social events. I kinda live in yoga type pants and basic tees.
I had a friend tell me that I need to make my clothes more grown up. I wear a lot of Disney tees. I have always worn these, even before I got sick and gained all the weight. But now I guess I wear them because they are big, comfy and don't show the rolls, while still being fun. At first I was hurt by her comment, but now I know she was just trying to get me out of my home-body shell. Which I am so not ready for yet.
I have lost so many good friends over the years. I am afraid to lose the few I have left. People get tired of inviting you to places, only to listen to my excuses time and time again. Even my husband doesn't bother asking anymore. He'll get an invite to go to the movies with a friend and their date, but knows I'll say no. I wonder if not knowing who I am is the same as not wanting to know what I could be.
Ok, my brain hurts now. I must go get the kids breakfast. THAT I know how to do :)
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